My husband and I have been together for TWENTY years! I have always loved him but today I realized that I am so IN LOVE with him that just the act of him stopping me from kissing him….well it sends me into a tizzy that I cannot seem to stop. After loving him for this long I do not know how I could fall more in love with him but I have. I have never felt love like this for anyone. I love our children but they will one day belong to someone else, but I BELONG to and with him and no one else. However, for some reason this all scares the hell out of me because I feel that one wrong move might put me by myself.
We have had so many ups and downs in the past twenty years. We got married young, we had kids young, we have split up, got back together, got divorced, got re-married; we are in constant financial trouble and we both have health issues but it is always him taking care of me when I should be taking care of him. I know that I am a selfish bitch, I get that and I am sorry for it but it is who I am….but then he knew that before I did.
He really pisses me off! A lot! I have tried to push him away, I have tried to make him so mad that he would try to leave (I always try to stop him) and I did make him leave once; I have even left him but I have never been able to handle it. I cannot be without him for too long and these days it seems that I cannot be without him for more than a few hours and that in itself pisses me off!
I know that he has stuck with me through some of the most impossible bullcrap. I am a difficult person, I have a crappy sense of self and I have far too many crazy outbursts but he has stayed with me through it all! I really do not know how he puts up with me the way that he does because honestly half the time I want to run away from me and I really suggest that he does that but I know that he won’t. I just don’t know why….
He has seen more of me than anyone else in this world and he knows me better than I know myself. I have been terrible to him at times and yet he is still here. He has taken care of me when no one else would and in ways that even my best girlfriends probably wouldn’t. He has done things for me that most men would never do no matter how much they loved a woman and I hope that he knows that I understand that and that I love him dearly for it!
I have had a wall between the two of us for a long time now but he has finally managed to get through it (it took him long enough) and in some ways I hate it because that wall was up for a reason but he completely ignored it and I love him for that as well. I have a hard time knowing that my wall has been compromised because I have been hurt with expectations of people loving me, even by him but now that there is a hole in my wall that I cannot fix and I have to trust him not to hurt me.
Our journey through marriage has been a long, crazy, complicated, wonderful, beautiful, exhilarating and loving one. We have been through the birth of three babies and the loss of two. We have watched as all three of our children have grown. We have watched as they started school and as one has finished, started college and recently gotten married herself. We are still working on the other two children and ourselves as we all are still learning this life together. The two of us have been together for so long but our journey has only just begun and it is a journey that I am so excited to be a part of.